Dear Loving Husband,
Women are often known to ‘nag’ or talk too much; hence a letter would be best to help you contemplate better on what I am saying.
First of all, no, this is not a letter complaining about mistakes or anything like that.
It is not a ‘love letter’ where I pour out my heart. (Although you know how much I do love you)
We completed half our deen together, you completed ME in so many ways; but you should know my inner thoughts and fears and anxieties I sometimes have; that can create a barrier in our most closest moments together.
I am confident and strong – I am intelligent and driven – you support my every idea and passion in life and keep me going through every hurdle faced.
Yet, there is a need I have – a huge desire; hidden deep inside me; a need that doesn’t have the confidence to come out and express itself. You may not know this, but although Muslim women are ‘meant’ to be modest and shy in their everyday dealings – the one person where this does not need to be the case with is YOU!
So what’s stopping me then? If all I want in my deepest desires is to be the queen of your desires why don’t I go for it? The epitome of your dreams – I want to fulfil that… but it just won’t come out.
Growing up, I was told and taught the way of a Muslim woman – the shyness, the modesty, the responsibility – I’ve done that and understand the importance of it. What was not taught or even talked about is when those barriers can come down.
Muslim women giggle and laugh about these things; sex is not for women to enjoy I was told. Your husband asks; you give! He enjoys and then you hide away hoping you’ve fulfilled his desires.
Ahamdulillah, we aren’t in the stone age now; we can discuss and be mature. Our intimate times are for us both to be pleased and have our desires and needs met. But I didn’t grow up knowing that, so there will always be something holding me back – UNLESS you give me the confidence to express it.
You see, my dear husband, you also have these sexualised images all around you, everyday, everywhere, and its mind blowing that you control your gaze and desires and love only me. Yet, the jealousy I feel knowing these images are around you taunts me everyday. I’m not obsessive and trying to lock you under my key – Jealousy is a natural feeling. Let me remind you even the Prophet’s (pbuh) wives got jealous. Aisha (RA) even got jealous of Khadijah (RA) who was dead.
I can’t be that voluptuous, size 0 model you see in the movies or billboards – growing up feeling that this what is the sexiest thing a man can ever have; how can I then become the fantasy you want?
I want you to make me feel beautiful – give me the feeling that the half naked sexy woman you see in the media is nothing in comparison to me!
I may be headstrong and confident and a superwoman in more ways than you know; but this ultimate burning desire and need in me – can only be filled by you.
I can try and imitate those women – wear what she does and pose the way she does; just for you. But I can’t pull it off with no confidence. Is it me you see like that or do you picture the image you saw on TV? How often have I jumped for joy when you’ve given me that special jewelry or dress; did you notice that beaming confident smile when I wore it?
Now let your imagination wander.. what can you give me now to make that confidence explode and beat those deepest insecurities?
Now you know… the rest is up to you!